The Affairs of State Volume 3 The Session of the Poets

Sub-titled To the Tune of opok Lawrel.

1. Appolo concerned to see the Transgressions

Our paltry Poets do daily commit,

Gave Order once more to summon a Session

Severely to punish the Abuses of Wit,

2. Will D'Avenant wou'd fain have been Steward o'th' Court

To have fin'd and amerc'd each Man at his Will;

But Apolld it seems, had heard a Report,

That his Choice of new Plays did show h'ad no skill.

3. Befides, s Criticks had ow'd him a Spite,

And a little before had made the God fret,

By letting him know the Laureat did write

That damnable Farce, The Hoyse to be Lett.

4. Intelligence was brought, the Court being fet,

That a Play Tripartite was very near made;

Where malicious Matt Clifford, and Spiritual Spratt

Were join'd with their Duke, a Peer of the Trade.

5. Apollo rejoyc'd, and did hope for Amends,

Because he knew it was the first Case

The Duke e'er did ask the Advice of his Friends,

And so wish'd his Play as well Clapt as his Grace.

6. O yes being made, and Silence proclaimed,

Jpollo began to read the Court-Roll;

When as soon as he saw Frank Berkley was nam'd,

He scarce cou'd forbear from tearing the Scroll.

7. But Berkley, to make his Int'rest the greater,

Suspecting before what would come to pass,

Procured him his Cousin Fitzharding's Letter,

With which Apollo wiped his Arse.

8. Guy with his Pastoral next went to Pot;

At first in a doleful Study he stood

Then shew'd a Certificate which he had got

From the Maids of Honour, but it did him no good.

9. Humerous Weeden came in a Pet,

And for the Laurel began to splutter;

Put Apollo chid him, and bid him first get

A Muse not so common as Mrs. Rutter.

10. A Number of other small Poets appeared,

With whom for a time Apollo made Sport

Clifford and Flechnoe were very well jeer'd,

And in Conclusion whip'd out of the Court

11. Tom Killigrew boldly came up to the Bar,

Thinking his Jibing would get him the Bays

But Apollo was angry, and bid him beware

That he caught him no more a printing his Plays.

12. With ill Luck in Battel, but worse in Wit,

George Porter began for the Laurel to bawl

But Apollo did think such Impudence fit

To be thrust out of Ceurt as he's out of Whitehall.

13. Savage missing Cowley, came into the Court,

Making Apologies for his bad Play

Every one gave him fo bad a Report,

That Apollo gave heed to all he could say:

14. Nor wou'd he have had, 'tis thought, a Rebuke,

Unless he had done fome notable Folly

Writ Verses unjustly in Praise Sam. Tuke,

Or printed his pitiful Melancholy.

15. Cotton did next to the Bays pretend;

But Apollo told him it was not fit

Tho' his Virgil was well, it made but amends

For the worst Panegyrick that ever was writ.

16. Old Shirly flood up and made an Excuse;

Because many young Men before him were got

He vow'd he had switc'd and spur-gall'd his Muse,

But still the dull Jade kept to her old Trot.

17. Sir Robert Howard, call'd for over and over,

At length sent in Teague with a Pacquet of News,

Wherein the sad Knight, to his Grief, did discover,

How Dryden had lately robb'd him of his Muse.

18. Each Man in the Court was pleas'd with the Theft,

Which made the whole Family swear and rant,

Desiring their Obin i'th lurch being left,

The Thief might be fin'd for the wild Gallant.

19. Dryden, whom one wou'd have thought had more Wit

The Censure of every Man did disdain,

Pleading some pitiful Rhimes he had writ

In praise of the Countess of Castlemaine.

20. Ned Howard, in whom great Nature is found,

Tho' never took Notice of till that Day,

Impatiently sat till it came to his Round,

Then role and commended the Plot of his Play.

21. Such Arrogance made Apollo stark mad

But Shirly endeavoured to appease his Choler,

By owning the Play, and swearing the Lad

In Poetry was a very pert Scholar.

22. James Howard being call'd for out of the Throng,

Booted and spur'd to the Bar did advance,

Where singing a damn'd nonsensical Song,

The Youth and his Muse were sent into France.

23. Newcastle and's Horse for Entrance next strives,

Well stuffed was his Cloakbag, and so was his Breeches,

And unbutt'ning the Place where Nature's Posset-maker lives,

Pull'd out his Wife's Poems, Plays, Essays and Speeches.

24. Whoop, quoth Apollo what a Devil have we here,

Put up thy Wife's Trumpery, good noble Marquis,

And home again, home again, take thy Career,

To provide her fresh straw, and a Chamber that dark is.

25. Sam Tuke sat and formally smil'd at the rest

But Apollo who well did his Vanity know,

Call'd him to the Bar to put him to the Test,

But his Muse was so stiff scarcely could go.

26. She pleaded her Age, defir'd a Reward;

It feems in her Age she doated on Praise,

But Apollo resolved that such a bold Bard

Shou'd never be graced with a Per'wig of Bays.

27. Stapleton stood up, and had nothing to say,

But Apollo forbid the old Knight to despair,

Commanding him once more to write a new Play,

To be danc'd by the Poppets at Barthol'mew-Fair.

28. Sir William Killigrew doubting his Plays,

Before he was call'd? crept up to the Bench,

And whisper'd Apollo, in case he wou'd praise

Selyndra, he shou'd have a Bout with the Wench.

29. B[...]st and Sidney, with two or three more

Tranflators of Pompey, dispute in their Claim;

But Apollo made them be turn'd out of Door,

And Bid them be gone like Fools as they came.

30. Old Waller heard this, and was sneaking away,

But some Body spy'd him out of the Crow'd

Apollo tho' h' had not s him many a Day,

Knew him full well, and call'd to him aloud;

31. My old Friend Mr. Waller, what make you there,

Among those young Fellows that spoil the French Plays?

Then beck'ning to him, whisper'd in his Ear,

And g&ve him god Counsel instead of the Bays.

32. Then in came Denham, that limping old Bard,

Whose Fame on the Sophy and Coopers-Hill stands;

And brought many Stationers who swore very hard,

That nothing sold better except 'twere his Lands.

33. But Apollo advis'd him to write fomething more,

To clear a Suspicion which possess'd the Court,

That Coopers-Hill, so much bragg'd on before,

Was writ by a Vicar, who had forty Pound for't.

34. Then Hudlhrass boldly demanded the Bays,

Bur Apollo bad him not be so fierce;

And advis'd him to lay afide making his Plays,

Since he already began to write worse and worse.

35. Tom Porter came into the Court in a Huff,

Swearing Damn him he had writ the best Plays;

But Apollo it seems, knew his way well enough,

And would not be hectored out of his Bays.

36. Ellis in great Discontent went away,

Whilft D'Avenant against Apollo did rage

Because he declar'd the Secrets a Play,

Fitting for none but a Mountebank Stage.

37. John Wilson stood up and wildly did stare,

When on the sudden stept in a bold Scot,

And offered Apollo he freely would swear,

The said Master Wllson mought pass for a Sot.

38. But all was in vain, for Apollo, 'tis said,l

Would in no wise allow of any Scotch Wit,

Then Wilson in spite made his Plays to be read

Swearing he'd answer for all he had writ.

39. Charges stood up, and laid claim to the Bays,

But Apollo rebuk'd that arrogant Fool

Swearing if e'er he translated more Plays,

He'd Crown him Sir-Reverence with a Close-stooll.

40. Damn'd Holden with's dull Garman Princess appeared

Whom if D'Avenant he got as some do suppose,

Apollo said the Pillory should crop of his Ears,

And make them more sutable unto his Nose.

41. Rhodes stood and play'd at Bo-peep in the Door;

But Appollo instead of a Spanish Plot,

On Condition the Varlet would never write more,

Gave him three Pence to pay for a Pipe and a Pot.

42. Etheridge and Shadwell, and the Rabble appeal'd

To Apollo himself in a very great Rage,

Becaufe their best Friends so freely had deal'd,

As to tell 'em their Plays were not fit for the Stage.

43. Then seeing a Crowd in a Tumult resort,

Well furnish'd, with Verses, but loaded with Plays;

It forc'd poor Appollo to adjourn the new Court,

And left them together by the Ears for the Bays.